Cremation

Dear mum,

It's nearly 3am and I can't sleep because I have a lot on my mind. And I just turned off some kdrama I was watching too lol. But what are my thoughts right now?

Gonna go off topic first. How does it feel to understand somebody when you have barely any interaction with them? Well simple. You won't ever understand them, no matter how long you gaze at them on the sideline. It's like risks and relationships. They are somewhat intertwined. If you don't take initiative, someone might get in first and you lose the chance. It's better knowing and get shot down then being in the clouds and wonder what could have happened.

But what about death? I spoke to a client this morning about sudden deaths. We all blame ourselves. The ones that are living. What could I have done to prevent the death from happening. It was my fault it lead to this. No. When it is someone's time to go, nothing can get in the way. We can only accept the truth and adjust to it. My whole family blamed ourselves for my mothers death. We coulda did this, shoulda did that, shouldnt have gone there... But it's useless. What's gone will never come back.

Someone I know, DISSED the way funerals are conducted these days. That the tears and anguish people express at the funeral are all for show and has no meaning. If I had the guts that time I would tell her this. Say you lost your daughter. Or your son. Or your partner. Lets just say your mother who gave you life. If they left you behind in this world how would you fucking feel. And to say that tears are for a show. I'm sorry, my mother is no longer with me. How can I suppress my feelings when at the funeral everyone around you gives you all their love and sympathy to everyone in the room especially to the one lying dead in the coffin. The flowers, candles, rituals, are signs of respect and anguish and condolences that comes from people's kind hearts. I respect what you have to say, but please don't think that what we did was for show. We did not invite one single priest to conduct mass. We did not invite one single person to attend the funeral. Due to their love and care for my mother they attended to bid my mother farewell. It's because your life is perfect right now that you are blinded by happiness to see what it is like to lose someone.

And many people wondered why mum got cremated. If you didn't go to the chapel to see what happened you wouldn't know the proceedings that came with cremation. After someone dies, their body will rot no matter what. And it is the living people, US, that suffer, not the one lying down. So imagine, for our sake, that you see your mum dragged down into the ground then having spades of dirt piled on top. All you see in the chapel is the coffin being lowered down into this chamber. No matter what, their body will never remain. So it is the choice of the individual and/or family whether someone should be buried or cremated, especially for the living's sake. Therefore don't say nasty things in front of me or behind my back from our family's decision.

No one can understand the pain my family and I are going through. Do not judge. I don't like two faced people who thinks they are in high status that they know everything and can condemn those who are weak and vulnerable. They disgust me.

Okay nearly 3:30am I should sleep now. Everything's off my chest! Happy birthday to me!!

Love you always,


Your daughter Anna ❤