Dear mum,
I can't sleep. I can't stop crying. I feel rejected, neglected, thrown away- disregarded. Why can't I have a normal life like normal people?! Why do I have to go through all this shit all the fucking time?!
I have gone back to sleep on the couch. My room does not offer commiseration anymore. My bed does not give me comfort. I find solace through discomfort, in a cold room, locked away. This room knows how I feel. It's like it can empathize, put itself in my own shoes.
And here I find peace. Where I can sleep in tensionless ease..
Monday, August 25, 2014
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
2 year death anniversary
Dear Mum,
Sometimes you don't really realise that time flies so quick, but during times of grief, it doesn't go quick enough. It was 2 years that I was sobbing beside your lifeless body at St Vincent's hospital, but it felt like it happened just yesterday. How can you forget all the little details that surrounded the event?
Comparing this year to the last, believe it or not, I've struggled more this year. The first year I don't think I knew how to feel, being the year of many firsts, but this year, I felt the loss of your presence more strongly. I broke down even more on Mother's Day, your birthday, the whole family's birthdays, Christmas and CNY. Even thinking about my future, you won't be able to be apart of my special events. I can't go wedding dress shopping with you. I can't go with you to pick out cute clothing for your first grandchild. These sort of events are ones you look forward to, but now I dread. Not too sure how I can cope without you here.
Little things as learning how to cook one of your meals and not being able to ask you the recipe, or ask you what I was like in my childhood (because you knew me best); it makes my heart ache every time.
I am always strong on the outside. I went straight to work right after your funeral with my head held high, despite being in a place that I get reminded of you everyday. But the daggers that pierce me are cut quite deep, making a mental pain feel very physical.
Though through this, everyone has gone about with their lives. Dad bought a new car, Gia is improving at school, Quoc is such a cheeky bugger but is still very cute. I want to thank my man who has made my life a lot better. Better to the point I've gained two kgs ><" he's made me enjoy life much more. It's cute how you came to me in a dream when I started dating him to ask me a personal question that only you would ask me, and after secretly approving haha. We were going to the market from what I remember. I had two did dreams that night, with you appearing twice. And that's the only dreams I've had of you. At least I know you're still around.
I've been quite busy working 5 days a week, volunteering for the ATO a day a week and being at youth group on Sundays. I've always kept myself busy, doing nothing makes me think too much.
I better go make to making dinner. You must be happy I've been learning to cook haha. Kevin will be happy that I can be a good housewife xD
Loving you forever,
Your daughter Anna <3 p="">
Sometimes you don't really realise that time flies so quick, but during times of grief, it doesn't go quick enough. It was 2 years that I was sobbing beside your lifeless body at St Vincent's hospital, but it felt like it happened just yesterday. How can you forget all the little details that surrounded the event?
Comparing this year to the last, believe it or not, I've struggled more this year. The first year I don't think I knew how to feel, being the year of many firsts, but this year, I felt the loss of your presence more strongly. I broke down even more on Mother's Day, your birthday, the whole family's birthdays, Christmas and CNY. Even thinking about my future, you won't be able to be apart of my special events. I can't go wedding dress shopping with you. I can't go with you to pick out cute clothing for your first grandchild. These sort of events are ones you look forward to, but now I dread. Not too sure how I can cope without you here.
Little things as learning how to cook one of your meals and not being able to ask you the recipe, or ask you what I was like in my childhood (because you knew me best); it makes my heart ache every time.
I am always strong on the outside. I went straight to work right after your funeral with my head held high, despite being in a place that I get reminded of you everyday. But the daggers that pierce me are cut quite deep, making a mental pain feel very physical.
Though through this, everyone has gone about with their lives. Dad bought a new car, Gia is improving at school, Quoc is such a cheeky bugger but is still very cute. I want to thank my man who has made my life a lot better. Better to the point I've gained two kgs ><" he's made me enjoy life much more. It's cute how you came to me in a dream when I started dating him to ask me a personal question that only you would ask me, and after secretly approving haha. We were going to the market from what I remember. I had two did dreams that night, with you appearing twice. And that's the only dreams I've had of you. At least I know you're still around.
I've been quite busy working 5 days a week, volunteering for the ATO a day a week and being at youth group on Sundays. I've always kept myself busy, doing nothing makes me think too much.
I better go make to making dinner. You must be happy I've been learning to cook haha. Kevin will be happy that I can be a good housewife xD
Loving you forever,
Your daughter Anna <3 p="">
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