Emotionally damaged

Dear mum,

I can't sleep. I can't stop crying. I feel rejected, neglected, thrown away- disregarded. Why can't I have a normal life like normal people?! Why do I have to go through all this shit all the fucking time?!

I have gone back to sleep on the couch. My room does not offer commiseration anymore. My bed does not give me comfort. I find solace through discomfort, in a cold room, locked away. This room knows how I feel. It's like it can empathize, put itself in my own shoes.

And here I find peace. Where I can sleep in tensionless ease..

2 year death anniversary

Dear Mum,

Sometimes you don't really realise that time flies so quick, but during times of grief, it doesn't go quick enough. It was 2 years that I was sobbing beside your lifeless body at St Vincent's hospital, but it felt like it happened just yesterday. How can you forget all the little details that surrounded the event?

Comparing this year to the last, believe it or not, I've struggled more this year. The first year I don't think I knew how to feel, being the year of many firsts, but this year, I felt the loss of your presence more strongly. I broke down even more on Mother's Day, your birthday, the whole family's birthdays, Christmas and CNY. Even thinking about my future, you won't be able to be apart of my special events. I can't go wedding dress shopping with you. I can't go with you to pick out cute clothing for your first grandchild. These sort of events are ones you look forward to, but now I dread. Not too sure how I can cope without you here.

Little things as learning how to cook one of your meals and not being able to ask you the recipe, or ask you what I was like in my childhood (because you knew me best); it makes my heart ache every time.

I am always strong on the outside. I went straight to work right after your funeral with my head held high, despite being in a place that I get reminded of you everyday. But the daggers that pierce me are cut quite deep, making a mental pain feel very physical.

Though through this, everyone has gone about with their lives. Dad bought a new car, Gia is improving at school, Quoc is such a cheeky bugger but is still very cute. I want to thank my man who has made my life a lot better. Better to the point I've gained two kgs ><" he's made me enjoy life much more. It's cute how you came to me in a dream when I started dating him to ask me a personal question that only you would ask me, and after secretly approving haha. We were going to the market from what I remember.  I had two did dreams that night, with you appearing twice. And that's the only dreams I've had of you. At least I know you're still around.

I've been quite busy working 5 days a week, volunteering for the ATO a day a week and being at youth group on Sundays. I've always kept myself busy, doing nothing makes me think too much.

I better go make to making dinner. You must be happy I've been learning to cook haha. Kevin will be happy that I can be a good housewife xD

Loving you forever,

Your daughter Anna <3 p="">

This cold/flu won't leave me!

Dear mum,


I have been very patient with myself, so I don't understand why this bug won't leave me alone! I've been sick for 2 weeks now and it is definitely draining my life! I feel weak, my nose is blocked and runny, my throat is phlegmy and sore, my body aches, my head pounds like a gnome is looking for gold in there, and it just would not go away!

I've got to admit, I haven't exactly taken a day off work to properly rest up. I don't have a back up who would work for me, that's the problem. Back when you were sick mum, I would fill in your spot so you could recover. Even staying at home, and it didn't work out for you :( But no matter, I'm a strong girl! Taking all these meds to make me feel like a new person- I hope.

Two more days of antibiotics to go, then I'll see how I go. I was suppose to have Monday and Tuesday off next week but my employee has to go into court for a car fine on tues so I need to work instead. No matter I got Mon off anyway. So a long weekend will hopefully cure me.

I just want to get better before my birthday. Turning 24 OMG where has the time gone. Time has flown faster now that I am happily taken as well. My man is the best. Not really, he's left me to go on a fishing camping trip with his boys hmph. But no matter, I actually had plans this weekend with youth group first but now I'm too sick to participate. He's just so good to me, being patient with a busy girl like me so he deserves to go on this trip. I will be away in HK too so hehe kinda even.

March is too busy for me. There's so many birthdays, so many events that I don't think I'll have a free weekend after this one. That's the reason I want to get better! Going to see the docs the third time next week, I didn't even see the doctors ONCE last year at all. Getting rather ridiculous don't you think.

But yes I will go to sleep now. My back is aching. Missing my chiro lol.

Loving you always,


Your daughter Anna ♥

The past

Dear Mum,


It's been a while since I've blogged, and I thought I'd blog again because a few things have been bugging me.


I'm not young anymore. Yet sometimes I do the most stupid things. I told myself not to do it because I'll get hurt- yet I still did. Always repeat the same mistake over and over again. But this time I've learnt my lesson. I'm too hurt. I don't feel like I'm of any worth. The past sucks.


Curiosity killed the cat. 

“

Curiosity can do more things than kill a cat; and if emotions, well recognized as feminine, are inimical to feline life, then jealousy would soon leave the whole world catless.

”

The actual phrase appeared as the headline to a story in The Washington Post on 4 March 1916 (page 6):

“

CURIOSITY KILLED THE CAT. Four Departments of New York City Government Summoned to Rescue Feline. From the New York World. Curiosity, as you may recall— On the fifth floor of the apartment house at 203 West 130th street lives Miss Mable Godfrey. When she came to the house about seven months ago she brought Blackie, a cat of several years' experience of life. The cat seldom left the apartment. He was a hearth cat, not a fence cat, and did not dearly love to sing. In other respects he was normal and hence curious. Last Tuesday afternoon when Miss Godfrey was out Blackie skipped into the grate fireplace in a rear room. He had done this many times before. But he had not climbed up the flue to the chimney. This he did Tuesday. Blackie there remained, perched on the top of the screen separating the apartment flue from the main chimney, crying for assistance. Miss Godfrey, returning, tried to induce her pet to come down. If you are experienced in felinity, you know that Blackie didn't come down. On Wednesday the cat, curiosity unsatisfied, tried to climb higher—and fell to the first floor. His cries could still be heard by Miss Godfrey; who, to effect Blackie's rescue, communicated with the following departments: 1. Police department. 2. Fire department. 3. Health department. 4. Building department. 5. Washington Heights court. Among them they lowered a rope to Blackie. But it availed neither the cat nor them anything. Thursday morning, just before noon, a plumber opened the rear wall back of the chimney. Blackie was taken out. His fall had injured his back. Ten minutes later Blackie died.

”

Source: Wikipedia ;)


But before this, life has been rather smooth sailing. I'll write up another post about my better days :)


Love you always,


Your daughter Anna ♥